or more like, a couple of grievances. us. a couple with a mountain of buried problems.
shall i break down why last night's conversation hurt me to the point where all i could do was cry and avoid talking to you in hopes of finding some peace of mind and not being stalled from the sleep i needed? (who cares about me going to bed angry anymore - you certainly don't the way you used to. guess we've both given up there.)
yes, you can say that i am on my period right now. i'll give you that coincidence. but don't even begin to purport a causal explanation there.
as if the things you said were not demeaning enough, diminishing my feelings to some play of hormones further fuels my anger. or did you think that it'd be eye-opening for me, and that i would then stop feeling the things that i felt? if i believed that it was only because i was on my period?
you'd think that someone who has this sort of theory would only be more careful and considerate during this time, rather than feeling the need to profess this theory only after saying some of the harshest things?
those are my thoughts about that.
now to actually break down my pain.
first of all, i never proclaimed to be the smartest spender. but to be considered irresponsible?
as well as you know me, i guess you have yet to see that i'm probably as responsible as it gets. in any respect, not just money. if you think my conscience would let me get away with any irresponsibility, think again. that said, i purposely pay everything back as soon as possible. oh, you're paying for that with your card? let me venmo/quickpay you precisely 50% if not more. down to the cent, because that's how calculative you are with me anyways.
i've already expressed how uncomfortable it makes me. can i really live with someone who actually wants me to venmo $3 for something, or someone who will send $3.75 rather than just $4? it's completely understandable. though i'm not sure that's how i want to live. i want to live with generosity. yet, having accepted that this is just how you are, after i expressed this to you before, i've come to be just as calculative with you and it's a bit upsetting, when all i want to do is be generous and say 'it's ok, it's on me. it's just $4.' and i do do it sometimes still, but then a bit of me knows that it's not how you are and that bit of me gets a little sad.
ok, back to the topic of responsibility. i never, ever retroactively need financial assistance. except that one accident where i was trying to use some savings app and my loan refunds ended up going towards there instead of my bank and i needed to pay for school. ironic considering i was using an app with the intent to be smarter about my money. anyways, so what do i do? i go to you, because that's just what i thought i would/should be able to do. it's sad because i'd do the same for you, if i had the capability, in a heartbeat, and never once would the words safety net cross my mind.
first of all, those two fucking words. talk about a dagger to one's pride. i know my pride gets hurts easily, but safety net? are you kidding me? do you even understand the implications behind that? as if my well-being is contingent upon your financial assistance program of some sort, and as if i'm more than willing to utilize you in that way. who wouldn't feel shitty from hearing that, from the one person you thought you could go to in times of desperation? trust me, honey, only in times of desperation.
i don't think anything boils my stomach more than when i show the slightest bit of reliance on someone, and they take it to the extreme and act as if there is some significant dependence there. i think there is a huge difference between being someone i can rely on, as in when i really need it, versus being someone i depend on, as in stripping me of my independence. cue, sky and carpooling. once you remotely indicate that you think i depend on you, it is a burden i cannot un-feel and i will do everything in my power to reclaim my independence. so don't you be surprised that i don't want to receive a single penny from you ever again. don't be surprised that i mean it.
and then you go and say you're willing to listen, except i don't want to explain anything and i just want to be mad. well, yes. can you blame me for just wanting to sort out my anger at that point? i was so distraught, i honestly couldn't believe what was being said to me. in retrospect, though, it was my own fault for overestimating the extent of generosity, compassion, and kindness that existed between us in this relationship, whatever it is anymore.
i didn't care that you could listen, because i honestly didn't want to say anything more to you at that point. i know that i could say stuff, and you would listen, but that doesn't mean that you would understand, or even try to. this is how it's always been. you'd counter everything before you even stepped back to try to understand. so it's ok, i wanted to save my thoughts for some more organized form such as this.
and if you really cared about listening to what i have to say, why is it that you avoided that after the break i said we needed?
this relationship has some salvaging to do, and you didn't even want to take the first steps to do it. even during the break, i don't think you reflected quite enough if you didn't have things to say coming out of it.
anyways, i think this about does it for all that i have to say about this matter. you can express your thoughts but don't ask to speak any more on it; i won't. and i won't take back anything i said in this either. i still mean every word. and will still, after my period is over. lol.
shall i break down why last night's conversation hurt me to the point where all i could do was cry and avoid talking to you in hopes of finding some peace of mind and not being stalled from the sleep i needed? (who cares about me going to bed angry anymore - you certainly don't the way you used to. guess we've both given up there.)
yes, you can say that i am on my period right now. i'll give you that coincidence. but don't even begin to purport a causal explanation there.
as if the things you said were not demeaning enough, diminishing my feelings to some play of hormones further fuels my anger. or did you think that it'd be eye-opening for me, and that i would then stop feeling the things that i felt? if i believed that it was only because i was on my period?
you'd think that someone who has this sort of theory would only be more careful and considerate during this time, rather than feeling the need to profess this theory only after saying some of the harshest things?
those are my thoughts about that.
now to actually break down my pain.
first of all, i never proclaimed to be the smartest spender. but to be considered irresponsible?
as well as you know me, i guess you have yet to see that i'm probably as responsible as it gets. in any respect, not just money. if you think my conscience would let me get away with any irresponsibility, think again. that said, i purposely pay everything back as soon as possible. oh, you're paying for that with your card? let me venmo/quickpay you precisely 50% if not more. down to the cent, because that's how calculative you are with me anyways.
i've already expressed how uncomfortable it makes me. can i really live with someone who actually wants me to venmo $3 for something, or someone who will send $3.75 rather than just $4? it's completely understandable. though i'm not sure that's how i want to live. i want to live with generosity. yet, having accepted that this is just how you are, after i expressed this to you before, i've come to be just as calculative with you and it's a bit upsetting, when all i want to do is be generous and say 'it's ok, it's on me. it's just $4.' and i do do it sometimes still, but then a bit of me knows that it's not how you are and that bit of me gets a little sad.
ok, back to the topic of responsibility. i never, ever retroactively need financial assistance. except that one accident where i was trying to use some savings app and my loan refunds ended up going towards there instead of my bank and i needed to pay for school. ironic considering i was using an app with the intent to be smarter about my money. anyways, so what do i do? i go to you, because that's just what i thought i would/should be able to do. it's sad because i'd do the same for you, if i had the capability, in a heartbeat, and never once would the words safety net cross my mind.
first of all, those two fucking words. talk about a dagger to one's pride. i know my pride gets hurts easily, but safety net? are you kidding me? do you even understand the implications behind that? as if my well-being is contingent upon your financial assistance program of some sort, and as if i'm more than willing to utilize you in that way. who wouldn't feel shitty from hearing that, from the one person you thought you could go to in times of desperation? trust me, honey, only in times of desperation.
i don't think anything boils my stomach more than when i show the slightest bit of reliance on someone, and they take it to the extreme and act as if there is some significant dependence there. i think there is a huge difference between being someone i can rely on, as in when i really need it, versus being someone i depend on, as in stripping me of my independence. cue, sky and carpooling. once you remotely indicate that you think i depend on you, it is a burden i cannot un-feel and i will do everything in my power to reclaim my independence. so don't you be surprised that i don't want to receive a single penny from you ever again. don't be surprised that i mean it.
and then you go and say you're willing to listen, except i don't want to explain anything and i just want to be mad. well, yes. can you blame me for just wanting to sort out my anger at that point? i was so distraught, i honestly couldn't believe what was being said to me. in retrospect, though, it was my own fault for overestimating the extent of generosity, compassion, and kindness that existed between us in this relationship, whatever it is anymore.
i didn't care that you could listen, because i honestly didn't want to say anything more to you at that point. i know that i could say stuff, and you would listen, but that doesn't mean that you would understand, or even try to. this is how it's always been. you'd counter everything before you even stepped back to try to understand. so it's ok, i wanted to save my thoughts for some more organized form such as this.
and if you really cared about listening to what i have to say, why is it that you avoided that after the break i said we needed?
this relationship has some salvaging to do, and you didn't even want to take the first steps to do it. even during the break, i don't think you reflected quite enough if you didn't have things to say coming out of it.
anyways, i think this about does it for all that i have to say about this matter. you can express your thoughts but don't ask to speak any more on it; i won't. and i won't take back anything i said in this either. i still mean every word. and will still, after my period is over. lol.
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